I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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