Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
