I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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