dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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