I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
