sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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