some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
