I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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