we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
