honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
