I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
