she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
