That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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