I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think I sprained my soul last night
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Is Oprah even human
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
