mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
