Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have post one night stand depression
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
