Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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