wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You left your phone here
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