we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We left the knife in your bed.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
