Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
