i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
