I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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