I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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