you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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