finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
