I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
from now on my penis is your penis
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
