Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
