My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can text with my tongue
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.