You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
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I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
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When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.