my phone needs a breathalizer
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
