Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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