I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
