Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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