I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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