she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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