Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
