you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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