chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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