so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
