When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
