Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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