My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
and you fell through a lawn chair
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
