I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
