went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
