What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
