I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
