so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
