the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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