Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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