Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
