There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
