If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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