He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
