If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
