glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
