My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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