I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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