I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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