i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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