Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
